Kinda Complicated

Well, I’m back. Not for the long run. But anyway, hello again.

It’s yet another time and season of the year that I live through and this just so happens my down and dull season. I’m trying very hard not to overthink this but the brain is a funny being and my heart’s not cooperating well with that. I’ve struggled with the thought of my feelings in general and most of the time it’s spent at night, on my bed thinking.

Catching feelings is a real issue, it really is.

All these time I’ve spent picking myself up to literally get a grip and move on. Well sad to say is that I might’ve fallen back into the pit unknowingly. It’s strange for me that I took a couple of years to move on and then after a year or so to fall into the same situation again.

I need help, or a clearer sign that he is who he’s going to be in my life in the future.

I’m scared that I’ve misread the signs.

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Here’s all the reasons I could find to say…

I will never be good enough for you.

For one, I find it hard to believe that I’m good enough in the midst of many others whom are way better than me in a million different ways. There are smarter, funny and definitely much more charming girls out there than me.

I would never be the girl that you’ve always dreamt of.

Never. As hard as I try, I might’ve met a couple of the girls that you’ve fallen in love with for the past few years that I might’ve known you and knowing the kind of the girls that you’ve dated, I would never be one of them. If you’ve known from the start that I was that girl that you’ve dreamt of, we wouldn’t be here right now.

But why do I say that I’m not good enough?

It’s because I don’t rely on guys, I count on my gut and my own strength to get things done.

It’s because I come across self-sufficient.

It’s because I’m independent.

It’s because I don’t filter my words.

It’s because I don’t behave like a girl’s supposed to.

It’s because I actually think (and partly because I hate looking stupid).

It’s because I’m prideful to say that it’s better to be together with someone than to be alone.

It’s because I failed to realise how alone it is to be around everyone else.

It’s because it’s hard to play it cool.

It’s because these are my insecurities.

I long to look into someone’s eyes lovingly and as he looks back at me, I know that I’m his pride and joy regardless of what I am.

I don’t want to meet your expectations. It’s tough. But I can’t be who you want me to be, because that’ll not be me anymore. I don’t want that.

As much as I’d hate to say it but out of everything that’s before you, why would you even see me, why am I seeking approval?

Honestly speaking, I’m not pretty, I have a couple of talents which I’m sure that there’s many more out there that are much more talented than me.

Here’s my single tear to the one person who will see me and find me, I pray that you’ll fight for me, that you’ll choose to love me, that in all things that you’ll choose me.

I don’t know what works, I don’t know what helps but it bugs me to think that am I really that bad of a person to go through something like this? But maybe it’s just me.

I don’t have a reason for you to choose me.

And I never will.

Well this is bad. I honestly don’t know how or why but I never really finish my posts. So the other day I was at this wedding and I decided to type a really really long post about all of that and just yesterday I saw it and decided to close the app on my phone without saving my draft. It honestly wasn’t a lot of things just random thoughts and all of that but regardless of which, I just didn’t finish my draft and it went into the trash. *cues sad face*

At the moment, I’m at this youth camp running a couple of stuff and it’s just a couple of hours more till we break camp and I’m really really tired. So many things have had happened over the two days and there’s just so many thoughts that I have and reservations with regards to the trip that’s happening in 16 more days. Omg, 2 more weeks and everything will come to an end by then. This is way too scary. We’ve all been waiting for this day to come and we’re really excited and I don’t know what or how to feel when it’s all over.

Nevertheless, I think I’m still thankful and happy at the moment.

It’s been a year!!!

MILESTONE THO!!It’s too early for throwbacks but WHO CARES. 😬👍🏼

A year ago, I walked away from my life here and went away to ‘discover’ my life and purpose and those three months I spent aboard was refreshing and it was so simple that it felt strange that everything was over within weeks. I saw/learnt/grew so so much during the entire time there!!!

But my point is not this. 

My point is that I couldn’t have finished #165daysofinternship abroad without community! And yes, I’m still very thankful that most of y’all came down at 6am to send me off. HAHAHA (This was ‘the last last supper’) my love for dim sum is so so real.

#vsco #thelastsupper #community #ivegotthatonething #internlife

T H E  H E A R T  M A T T E R S  ( I ).

I don’t know if my heart feels right or aligned.
But it’s in unrest, not at peace.

But I’ve been reading ‘Dear My Blank’ again and my heart feels tired and a little weary. Everyone has a story and that’s a good place if you’d want to feel a whole lot of emotions.

My heart’s been tired and ran over by the same few cycles of hoping for things that doesn’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been bruised and beaten.

I’m tired. I just want this to go away. Deep down, there’s jealousy and envy and probably a little bit of bitterness. But I don’t want this.

Hello friends, we meet again.

Lately I’ve been caught up in a lot of things – Internship, ministry, self-growth and my heart. I love what’s going on in my life and what’s going to happen. But my heart feels heavy. It feels that if I slip up and I wouldn’t be the same old Fel that everyone know, that if I said something wrong I’d be stoned (just a metaphor), that if I became too conscious of what I did and people would judge me for it and even if I didn’t cared about what the world thinks, I would still be distracted by the thoughts of my friends that they have of me.

I know that they love me, they do.

But I fear the day that they’ll stop, that they’ll turn their backs on me, that I’m no longer good enough. That I’ll become unimportant in their lives.

I refuse to let my heart get caught in the things of this world.
I refuse to let thoughts dictate my actions and behaviours.
I refuse to allow the devil to play with my mind.
I refuse to be moved if He doesn’t move me.

Until I find myself fully in You again.

The cry of a Generation

Long gone were the days that we stood at the altar cried out for revival.

Strange that those were our younger days. But what makes it even stranger is that we moved on from it and it was okay. Different phases through this journey but how has it been from “This is my passion.” to “This is not my season of focus anymore.”?

Azusa Now stirred up a hunger and passion for the call of the Great Awakening in our generation for people to turn to Christ. A crowd of 120,000 at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, all in one accord to cry out for a Great Awakening but what’s going to happen after that? People would return to their lives, continue with their routine but that shouldn’t be it. This should be our daily cry that until He moves, this should be part of our routine.

This is my cry, to see my friends and family saved, to see nations turn to the King of kings.

The cry of my generation is to see revival happen right before our eyes, to be so in tune with Him that it starts from us. We are not satisfied with what we’ve heard, the stories that has been passed on from generation before us and we want to happen this time through us.