To be (very) honest…

I have this fear and recently it became really real.
And this fear is about getting left on the shelf. I’m not even kidding about it. 

All my life, never have I ever once been ‘liked’ by someone. Not saying that it’s important or anything but it just made me feel like I wasn’t appealing or something just didn’t ‘click’. But of course, I didn’t went on and made myself more appealing in any way, I just continued to be who I was and life went on as per normal. So, years down the road and I liked this guy but I knew that nothing was going to come out of it cause y’know, how often in life you like someone and they like you back? It’s pretty much one in a million right? Also, you just know it when the possibility is like 0.00001%. You know when you meet someone and then you just feel something’s right about it and then you pretty much just fall head first into it right? And so I thought to myself, “Hey, why not I just meet him up and tell him?” but after much contemplation, I decided against it cause, what would come out of it? Nothing. Exactly. 

To fast forward a little, down the same road again, I realised that it was pretty silly of me to tell the person that and thank goodness I didn’t. But anyways, I felt self-conscious because I thought that y’know, who would like someone like me? With an attitude like a spitfire, God bless the person who would stick with me all the way. Not to mention, I wasn’t really the prettiest girl ever. Besides, I wasn’t all that close to be even skinny or at a nice height of some sort. So yeah, being realistic and all, I would be the last to be considered as girlfriend material. Of course every part of my self-esteem shattered and eventually, I became numb to people and relationships. I mean, since I was already the last person to even be considered for relationships but no, those issues from the people around me kept piling up like issues of Vogue.

Being numb didn’t really help much since I’m pretty hopeless when it came to novels and movies. Like seriously, there days I just go crazy thinking that I would find someone like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, Noah or Tristan, this knight from some storybook or just simply, Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars. The sad and cruel reality didn’t leave me of course and I began to wish for men like them in real life and cherish me. (Hey, we were made to be loved and to be cherished right? Nothing to cause a hoo-ha out of right?) A little bit more down the road, I tried to convince myself that such love like that doesn’t exist. They’re all fictional, all figments of my imagination. 

So recently, people have been worrying about getting left on the shelf and for some I can only say, “at least you’ve dated someone before”. I’m not being desperate here, complaining and whining about how I don’t have a boyfriend and things like that. I just wanted to say that even as someone as unattractive as I am, holds a little hope in true love to happen. From the bottom of my heart, I hope my life doesn’t turn out to be like those disney films, too cliché and predictable. At least let it be adventurous. 

In the near/far future, dear other half, please don’t blame me if my walls are high. I don’t know how to be in love, I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship so bear with me, I’m currently still trying to find out how things like these work. You might be my first or my last, I might have or have not been hurt before so I pray that you’ll take good care of my heart. 

Okay and even as there isn’t the ‘other half’, I think that I would be able to go on in life pretty well for I know that He has plans for me so I guess that I’ll be fine. 

And now you know.

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