It’s almost one and I can’t sleep.
Lately I’ve been in this situation where I don’t know what to feel or rather, how I should feel because there is nothing that can fill this gaping hole that’s surrounding me.
I’ve also been thinking how happy people have been – birthdays, boyfriends, crazy parties and loads more other stuff which I don’t really have right now.
Something bugs me that people celebrating birthdays are more like an obligation and it seems more like a ‘we have to’ rather than a ‘we want to’ and so, for years it’s been like that. Really appreciate the effort but it just didn’t seem like there was any heart to it, more of a convenience. But this isn’t really the point lol.
I’m not feeling happy when I’m supposed to. I’m also not feeling sad (in certain aspects). But in some ways, there’s something eating me up on the inside and tbh, it sucks. It’s probably resentment. There’s been a lot of resentment going on lately and that’s probably why. To a certain extent that I might be jealous over such things.
It’s that kind of feeling where I should feel happy for people when they are happy, but I’m not.
I’ve always wondered, if I was totally different from how I am right now – being crude, a lil bit cray and really expressing how I feel, would things have turned out differently? I could never imagine me a prissy… Girl. Short skirts all day, flirting with guys and the thought of them being interested in me. Hah, that would be a funny story to tell in future.
Sometimes I also wondered, what if I kept my mouth shut. Or not saying the favourite “I told you so.”, could things be different? There’s something I don’t understand, men are always saying that they like smart girls but in actual fact, they end up with (some) not-so-smart girls. I’m not saying I’m a genius but those girls are more compliant with men – agreeing to everything they say, men being dominant, and girls playing dumb.
I get that men likes to be dominating and right (all the time) but I don’t feel that playing dumb is a way to attract a guy’s attention and affections. Sometimes I even think that they pity them so they showed girls like that some affection. (Hah, I overthink sometimes)
True beauty is really expressing who you really are and it isn’t some pretentious bitch that keeping all those knowledge in her pretty little head, acting dumb all the time just to make men feel good. I know (& i hope) that there are men out there who appreciates women for who they are like being really stubborn and straightforward, having a mind of their own and really never has to bother with their dressing (as long as she’s presentable) and other things like that.
I think sometimes we may have over-superficialised tons of things.
And well, who doesn’t like a pretty girl? What they define girls in degrading terms like “sex on legs”, “like a stripper” or even “ass hotter than an oven”. They sound like compliments but they make us feel cheap.
But yes, men are lying when they say looks are not important when it comes to dating/looking for his other half. Same goes to women, we go for looks as well so don’t worry. (As for me? I do. Because I ain’t all that good looking.)
So, why am I saying all these?
I don’t know tbh. But some things have got to be played on the table for people to see.
Disclaimer: this isn’t a post by a feminist.