To say goodbye to someone you miss.

Nobody said that it’s okay, that it’s fine to hurt on the inside when you miss someone that you never had. Looking through old photos from high school, reminiscing on the good times that you had with your friends and the wild times you had with them and particularly the one that meant more than others.

Honestly you wouldn’t know until you’ve realised that a constant in your life is missing and how much the person meant to you. On the bus your mind would wander to the times that you’ve spent thinking that it was a harmless friendship. The other times when I see your old friends thinking if you kept in contact with them, maybe there was a way to meet you again. Or if you had left them as well and made new friends.

God, I sound like a dejected lover. Though I might have loved you a little more than everyone else. After all you’ve been in a big part of my life, the times when I thought it’s the three of us against the world. But I guess not. I never understood what went down between you and her, but a part of me knew that you loved her too or else, you genuinely loathed her when we all hung out together.  I’ve openly admitted that I missed you but you shrugged it off every time I said that. You have no idea how empty I was when you hung out with your friends after god knows how long we’ve last hung out together.

I hate that I’m being needy. I’ve always been independent, I need no man. Ah, the irony. God, I can’t explain this but missing someone feels like this. More than the people you have a crush on, more than the everything else, it’s like family – the people you love.

It’s not the love in a relationship that you’re thinking, it’s the ‘more-than-friends’, practically family kind? I know I’m not making much sense.

Missing you feels like: I’ve lost years of my life that it doesn’t mean anything to you, no matter how I’ve tried, I’ve no way of contacting you, like a bloody relationship but it’s not and it’s annoying the hell out of me because I don’t have answers, thinking if I had meant anything to you and it took me 4 years to realise that I might not have been anything more to you. Sure it might be cheesy but its the constant nagging in my mind to find out what’s going on in your life and keep whatever connection that we once had.

I would love to meet the new girl that has your heart, because you know that I’d genuinely be happy for you that you’ve found someone and maybe she’d be different from the rest that you’ve set your eye on.

But I am pissed that you left me and I have no way of finding you because you’re probably beneath the radar. Maybe one day, I’ll see you again at a friend’s wedding or if even longer down the road, a funeral.

Once or twice, I’ve probably walked past your mother a couple of times and thankfully, she doesn’t glare at me like she used to. I don’t think she remembers me but that’s okay. I was probably a bad influence even though you’d probably be worse. I used to question my decisions in making friends, why did I pick the ones that has to be home by 3pm? But those were good times.

So I guess that’s what it’s like to miss someone. You’ll think of the times that you’ve shared with the person, in the good or the bad, the fun and the boring ones, how our lives are so not the typical high school scenario. Your heart will yearn for the person somehow. But it pains me to not know when you’ll see each other again.

I miss you, you know I do but this is the part where I’d say, it’s time to move on and 3 years can change a lot of things and there’s no point in missing someone who doesn’t miss you at all, that treats you like dust and being non-existent, I’m done. If it means something to you, you’ll know where to find me.

Like the adult that I have to become, I would have to understand that I have to let go of somethings in life and live life as normal because clearly, I cherish this more than you do and it’s probably time to say goodbye to the good time that we have. Just so you know, there would be many more people that could take your place but not what we had and I hope that you’d actually remember something that happened between us.

Goodbye.

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