Hello friends, we meet again.

Lately I’ve been caught up in a lot of things – Internship, ministry, self-growth and my heart. I love what’s going on in my life and what’s going to happen. But my heart feels heavy. It feels that if I slip up and I wouldn’t be the same old Fel that everyone know, that if I said something wrong I’d be stoned (just a metaphor), that if I became too conscious of what I did and people would judge me for it and even if I didn’t cared about what the world thinks, I would still be distracted by the thoughts of my friends that they have of me.

I know that they love me, they do.

But I fear the day that they’ll stop, that they’ll turn their backs on me, that I’m no longer good enough. That I’ll become unimportant in their lives.

I refuse to let my heart get caught in the things of this world.
I refuse to let thoughts dictate my actions and behaviours.
I refuse to allow the devil to play with my mind.
I refuse to be moved if He doesn’t move me.

Until I find myself fully in You again.

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The cry of a Generation

Long gone were the days that we stood at the altar cried out for revival.

Strange that those were our younger days. But what makes it even stranger is that we moved on from it and it was okay. Different phases through this journey but how has it been from “This is my passion.” to “This is not my season of focus anymore.”?

Azusa Now stirred up a hunger and passion for the call of the Great Awakening in our generation for people to turn to Christ. A crowd of 120,000 at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, all in one accord to cry out for a Great Awakening but what’s going to happen after that? People would return to their lives, continue with their routine but that shouldn’t be it. This should be our daily cry that until He moves, this should be part of our routine.

This is my cry, to see my friends and family saved, to see nations turn to the King of kings.

The cry of my generation is to see revival happen right before our eyes, to be so in tune with Him that it starts from us. We are not satisfied with what we’ve heard, the stories that has been passed on from generation before us and we want to happen this time through us.

There’s more to this right?

If you’re like me, haven’t dated anyone before you must be wondering, “Is there really that something that someone else has that I don’t?” and honestly, I’m looking for that something. I’ve been wondering, what is that ‘something’ that she (other girls) have that I don’t?

So tell me, what’s not attractive about me because I am not going to feel bad and change because of your tastes. But seriously, at the end of the day it all boils down to probable gravitational laws and a guy’s initiative isn’t it? You see, if a guy (any guy) has a motivation to win a pretty girl’s heart, he’d do anything. Yes? And ultimately win her heart.

If you say, the heart matters a lot, how she carries herself matters then how am I different? I feel that I’m okay, I feel that I’m definitely good for someone, I am who I am and it’s not enough?

I want my fairytale ending. If not, I want to experience what being in a relationship is like. I don’t want to stay on the sidelines watching people falling in love, creating their next chapter of life together and sometimes finding love is as simple as walking to the coffee shop a couple blocks from your home but it just isn’t happening to me.

Am I really that blind or are my walls so high that it’s impossible to get close to know me?

You see, when you’re in a perpetual friend zone like me ever since the day I was born, you’d understand that there are some things that are your limits like way before hooking up with someone at the bar and grinding on someone at a club. Maybe I have physical contact issues. Last I checked, nope. That’s not how I’ll ‘find’ someone.

I’m willing to put myself out there but I am scared but this is the way of life. As long as my heart is ready. My minds says yes and my heart says maybe.

Am I really going to wait a man to come and sweep me off my feet or steal my heart given the benefit of doubt if men are able to be… Enchanting.

So enlighten me, there are so much more than just this right?

GRADUATE LO!

Hello hello, it’s official. I NEED TO WEAR MY GROW-UP PANTS AND SUCK IT UP CAUSE I’VE GRADUATED WITH A DIPLOMA.

Now, apart from applying for Uni and jobs I realised what I actually need. ME time. Just because it’s all about me. Kidding. I realised I need to know what I want to do in life. I think that’s what everyone goes through no? It’s just me then? But in any case, YES I am done.

Thank you to all who ran this race with me for the past 3 years. We made it. To my friends who are still on your journey, I SUPPORT YOU GUYS. You can do it!

Good is an understatement.

I think that there’s power in vulnerability,
I think that there’s power in transparency,
I think that there’s power in testimony,
I think that there’s power in declaration.

#IDontThinkMyHeartCouldGetAnyFullerThanThis

Haiyo.

Spent my afternoon sharing life with my dear friend, Tim and God was moving amongst us, His presence was right there at that moment. AND IT WAS SO GOOD. We shared about our struggles, uncertainty with life and came to a conclusion that in all things, God is so so so soooooo good. It was so raw and it was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life. We achieved a new friendship level and honestly it was one of those conversations that God reveals so much of His goodness and His glory.

Kingdom friendships! I feel that it’s not just a friendship that’s found in the kingdom but one that builds and advance the kingdom. It was a ‘thank God for you’ moment.

Revelations that I got out of it was like out of this world, you must understand that if it’s of Him, somehow your conversation would reveal things that you’re working through in life and you or the other person would be able to relate to what you’re talking about and work it through with you.

The other day in the prayer room I was writing something that I was going to share in cell and it was about living a victorious life and coincidentally, some of the revelations that I had about it was relatable to what he was going through right now and IT IS SO POWERFUL. I’m pretty glad and amaze how a simple conversation would help someone with his breakthrough.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So yes, ‘good’ would be an understatement and probably doesn’t give much credit to what He is doing. AIYO, GOD, YOU’RE SO AMAZING LA.

The end of an era.

It’s a Tuesday evening, making my way to Chinatown to have dinner with my parents and being on the Downtown Line at this hour is a blessing because there are seats and good air-conditioning.

Is technology replacing the way we manage our friendships? We no longer communicate face to face regularly but it’s through text messaging, phone calls, tweets and Facebook wall writing. Sure it’s convenient but does it truly convey your message?

So as I’m sitting down, beside and across me are people busy with their phones and gadgets. Something has got to be that interesting right? I mean, on my Facebook feed, I must’ve scrolled through a thousand times and they are same old things that you see every day and somehow I’m always wasting data scrolling through things like that. Drama, news, dirty pictures and whole lot of others.

Apart from that, we’re always plugged in to our phones once we’re on our way to some place, shutting ourselves from the world. We call it ‘me time’ but truthfully, through the use of technology, we could use it to divert all awkwardness when you’ve got nothing good to do with your hands or you can’t stare into space for a long time.

I’ve noticed that even as we gather with our friends or family, there would at least be half of the people are constantly on their phone until their food arrives or after they’re done with the meal.

Is it true that social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Line etc is more important than living in the moment with your loved ones and creating real and actual memories? Eventually when you lose interest in the things that you’ve seen on social media, you’d think of the times when you’ve called someone out for coffee to get to know them better rather through the profile on platforms that doesn’t show you the full picture.

My friends, there are so much more to life than looking through a person’s profile and jumping to conclusions. Friendships are more than tagging them in a picture that you took awhile ago quoting “I miss them so much, let’s meet soon.” and the initiative wasn’t carried out. I know I am guilty of doing everything above, but I do hope by putting your phone aside and have a meaningful conversation with someone would be life-changing! 🙂

Coffee with someone isn’t a lost trait but probably a dying one, meet up with your pals to catch up on the good ol’ days. Friendships and relationships are more than your social media profile.

 

Growing in to the 20s

I’ve liked how people called ’18 years of age’ the season of coming to age. Which is like you’re legal to do anything and becoming an adult. That means to make responsible decisions. Hah, Fel making responsible decisions? But in any case, that was in the 1800-1900s where you’re a fair maiden having the need to make good decisions for your family and marry off into a well off family possibly a duke, marquis, earl or a viscount. You get what I mean.

So, to apply that situation to my life, I would’ve been cast out to the streets by now. Thank God for advancement in this century?

Anywhooze, after a couple of months of being 20, THE PRESSURE IS ON. And by pressure I mean everything. Being an adult is tough, well legally speaking there’s a couple more months till I become 21 which is pretty scary. Indeed, the struggle is real. There are so many reasons to back up my statement of being scared.

  1. I’ve just graduated from the poly life therefore it equates to an application to a university or finding a job.
  2. I can’t just work for my entire life especially if I don’t know what I truly love to do or if there’s such a category: Travel, Photography & Music for the rest of my life is a thing. (Well, my blog could. Which means I’ll need to build my page. :/)
  3. I doubt there is.
  4. Where I could find a boyfriend. (Apart from the constant harassment from my relatives that keeps asking the same old question every year, I began to develop a internal clock that’s ticking because people around me have feelings for each other and I need to stop my third-wheeling game.)
  5. I AM PROBABLY THE MOST DEPENDENT PERSON EVER. That being said, it’s not that I’m reliable but rather, reliant on my parents.
  6. Passion > Money? Or it’s the other way around.
  7. I can’t make good decisions.
  8. Being an adult is real. Bills are real too. Especially when it comes to spending.
  9. What if applying to uni was a bad idea?
  10. I blame the system.
  11. I feel that I don’t fit in the local job system really well.
  12. I DON’T WANT TO GROW OLD AND REGRET.
  13. I’m scared how life turns out not the way that I want.
  14. Is there a manual to life?
  15. Where’s the off switch. Oh wait, that’s death. Nope.
  16. Struggles
  17. I’m not ready.
  18. I can’t do this.
  19. It’s too scary!
  20. What if everything goes wrong?

Responsibilities are real and at the same time it’s choking me. I feel like I’ve not lived to the fullest to commit to a lifetime of working. That means that my next holiday would be when I retire. I can’t find a balance to this.

So in general, being a 20 year old is scary. (lol, instead of scary, it was auto-correct to ‘suay’ which is bad luck.)