GRADUATE LO!

Hello hello, it’s official. I NEED TO WEAR MY GROW-UP PANTS AND SUCK IT UP CAUSE I’VE GRADUATED WITH A DIPLOMA.

Now, apart from applying for Uni and jobs I realised what I actually need. ME time. Just because it’s all about me. Kidding. I realised I need to know what I want to do in life. I think that’s what everyone goes through no? It’s just me then? But in any case, YES I am done.

Thank you to all who ran this race with me for the past 3 years. We made it. To my friends who are still on your journey, I SUPPORT YOU GUYS. You can do it!

Good is an understatement.

I think that there’s power in vulnerability,
I think that there’s power in transparency,
I think that there’s power in testimony,
I think that there’s power in declaration.

#IDontThinkMyHeartCouldGetAnyFullerThanThis

Haiyo.

Spent my afternoon sharing life with my dear friend, Tim and God was moving amongst us, His presence was right there at that moment. AND IT WAS SO GOOD. We shared about our struggles, uncertainty with life and came to a conclusion that in all things, God is so so so soooooo good. It was so raw and it was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life. We achieved a new friendship level and honestly it was one of those conversations that God reveals so much of His goodness and His glory.

Kingdom friendships! I feel that it’s not just a friendship that’s found in the kingdom but one that builds and advance the kingdom. It was a ‘thank God for you’ moment.

Revelations that I got out of it was like out of this world, you must understand that if it’s of Him, somehow your conversation would reveal things that you’re working through in life and you or the other person would be able to relate to what you’re talking about and work it through with you.

The other day in the prayer room I was writing something that I was going to share in cell and it was about living a victorious life and coincidentally, some of the revelations that I had about it was relatable to what he was going through right now and IT IS SO POWERFUL. I’m pretty glad and amaze how a simple conversation would help someone with his breakthrough.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So yes, ‘good’ would be an understatement and probably doesn’t give much credit to what He is doing. AIYO, GOD, YOU’RE SO AMAZING LA.

The end of an era.

It’s a Tuesday evening, making my way to Chinatown to have dinner with my parents and being on the Downtown Line at this hour is a blessing because there are seats and good air-conditioning.

Is technology replacing the way we manage our friendships? We no longer communicate face to face regularly but it’s through text messaging, phone calls, tweets and Facebook wall writing. Sure it’s convenient but does it truly convey your message?

So as I’m sitting down, beside and across me are people busy with their phones and gadgets. Something has got to be that interesting right? I mean, on my Facebook feed, I must’ve scrolled through a thousand times and they are same old things that you see every day and somehow I’m always wasting data scrolling through things like that. Drama, news, dirty pictures and whole lot of others.

Apart from that, we’re always plugged in to our phones once we’re on our way to some place, shutting ourselves from the world. We call it ‘me time’ but truthfully, through the use of technology, we could use it to divert all awkwardness when you’ve got nothing good to do with your hands or you can’t stare into space for a long time.

I’ve noticed that even as we gather with our friends or family, there would at least be half of the people are constantly on their phone until their food arrives or after they’re done with the meal.

Is it true that social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Line etc is more important than living in the moment with your loved ones and creating real and actual memories? Eventually when you lose interest in the things that you’ve seen on social media, you’d think of the times when you’ve called someone out for coffee to get to know them better rather through the profile on platforms that doesn’t show you the full picture.

My friends, there are so much more to life than looking through a person’s profile and jumping to conclusions. Friendships are more than tagging them in a picture that you took awhile ago quoting “I miss them so much, let’s meet soon.” and the initiative wasn’t carried out. I know I am guilty of doing everything above, but I do hope by putting your phone aside and have a meaningful conversation with someone would be life-changing! ūüôā

Coffee with someone isn’t a lost trait but probably a dying one, meet up with your pals to catch up on the good ol’ days. Friendships and relationships are more than your social media profile.

 

Growing in to the 20s

I’ve liked how people called ’18 years of age’ the season of coming to age. Which is like you’re legal to do anything and becoming an adult. That means to make responsible decisions.¬†Hah, Fel making responsible decisions?¬†But in any case, that was in the 1800-1900s where you’re a fair maiden having the need to make good decisions for your family and marry off into a well off family possibly a duke, marquis, earl or a viscount. You get what I mean.

So, to apply that situation to my life, I would’ve been cast out to the streets by now. Thank God for advancement in this century?

Anywhooze, after a couple of months of being 20, THE PRESSURE IS ON. And by pressure I mean everything. Being an adult is tough, well legally speaking there’s a couple more months till I become 21 which is pretty scary. Indeed, the struggle is real. There are so many reasons to back up my statement of being scared.

  1. I’ve just graduated from the poly life therefore it equates to an application to a university or finding a job.
  2. I can’t just work for my entire life especially if I don’t know what I truly love to do or if there’s such a category:¬†Travel, Photography & Music¬†for the rest of my life is a thing. (Well, my blog could. Which means I’ll need to build my page. :/)
  3. I doubt there is.
  4. Where I could find a boyfriend. (Apart from the constant harassment from my relatives that keeps asking the same old question every year, I began to develop a internal clock that’s ticking because people around me have feelings for each other and I need to stop my third-wheeling game.)
  5. I AM PROBABLY THE MOST DEPENDENT PERSON EVER. That being said, it’s not that I’m reliable but rather, reliant on my parents.
  6. Passion > Money? Or it’s the other way around.
  7. I can’t make good decisions.
  8. Being an adult is real. Bills are real too. Especially when it comes to spending.
  9. What if applying to uni was a bad idea?
  10. I blame the system.
  11. I feel that I don’t fit in the local job system really well.
  12. I DON’T WANT TO GROW OLD AND REGRET.
  13. I’m scared how life turns out not the way that I want.
  14. Is there a manual to life?
  15. Where’s the off switch. Oh wait, that’s death. Nope.
  16. Struggles
  17. I’m not ready.
  18. I can’t do this.
  19. It’s too scary!
  20. What if everything goes wrong?

Responsibilities are real and at the same time it’s choking me. I feel like I’ve not lived to the fullest to commit to a lifetime of working. That means that my next holiday would be when I retire. I can’t find a balance to this.

So in general, being a 20 year old is scary. (lol, instead of scary, it was auto-correct to ‘suay’ which is bad luck.)

What is it like to dream?

Does it make you come alive?
Does it fill your heart?
Is it worth pursuing?
To give up everything?
To not be mindful of the worldly possessions and monetary gains?
Do you love it?

To dream and to live out your dream are two very different things.

Are you ready to boldly go and pursue what you have always dreamt of?

When was the last time you dreamt?

Dear _ ,

In everything, I choose to celebrate your victories, your happiness and your life. It’s crazy how we’ve come so far, knowing each other for over a decade. I don’t say this often, but I treasure this friendship even though there’s nothing more to it.

Today I’ll find closure. I promise that today will be the last day that I’ll ever think of you. In a strange way, I might’ve thought that we were something more because of the little things that you’ve done and read a little too much into it.

I remember convincing myself that I hated you and unknowingly, I fell for you or maybe the idea of you. You checked all the boxes that I didn’t know I had, my mother adored and somehow, you became the benchmark for the future man to meet that would walk into my life.

There’s one thing that I’m sure of is that at a point of time, I¬†loved¬†you.

I know it’s not fair for me to blame you that the future men that I’ll meet in my life would remind me of you in little ways. Because I did meet someone that loved me in the way you did and it hurts. It reminds me how I’m not good enough for you.

But I’m okay, truly am. Today would be the last day that you’ll have part of my heart. Today will be the day I’m letting go.

If you wanted to know if I had any regrets, I did. I regretted not letting myself love, I regretted not telling you how I felt, I regretted allowing myself to become skeptic when it comes to love and relationships but I never regretted knowing you.

Thank you for everything – life lessons, strange advices and being a friend.

I’m glad that you found her and I wish you all the best, goodbye.

xx,
F

To say goodbye to someone you miss.

Nobody said that it’s okay, that it’s fine to hurt on the inside when you miss someone that you never had.¬†Looking through old photos from high school, reminiscing on the good times that you had with your friends and the wild times you had with them and particularly the one that meant more than others.

Honestly you wouldn’t know until you’ve realised that a constant in your life is missing and how much the person meant to you.¬†On the bus your mind would wander to the times that you’ve spent thinking that it was a harmless friendship.¬†The other times when I see your old friends thinking if you kept in contact with them, maybe there was a way to meet you again. Or if you had left them as well and made new friends.

God, I sound like a dejected lover. Though I might have loved you a little more than everyone else. After all you’ve been in a big part of my life, the times when I thought it’s the three of us against the world. But I guess not. I never understood what went down between you and her, but a part of me knew that you loved her too or else, you genuinely loathed her when we all hung out together.¬† I’ve openly admitted that I missed you but you shrugged it off every time I said that. You have no idea how empty I was when you hung out with your friends after god knows how long we’ve last hung out together.

I hate that I’m being needy. I’ve always been independent, I need no man. Ah, the irony. God, I can’t explain this but missing someone feels like this. More than the people you have a crush on, more than the everything else, it’s like family – the people you love.

It’s not the love in a relationship that you’re thinking, it’s the ‘more-than-friends’, practically family kind? I know I’m not making much sense.

Missing you feels like: I’ve lost years of my life that it doesn’t mean anything to you, no matter how I’ve tried, I’ve no way of contacting you, like a bloody relationship but it’s not and it’s annoying the hell out of me because I don’t have answers, thinking if I had meant anything to you and it took me 4 years to realise that I might not have been anything more to you.¬†Sure it might be cheesy but its the constant nagging in my mind to find out what’s going on in your life and keep whatever connection that we once had.

I would love to meet the new girl that has your heart, because you know that I’d genuinely be happy for you that you’ve found someone and maybe she’d be different from the rest that you’ve set your eye on.

But I am pissed that you left me and I have no way of finding you because you’re probably beneath the radar.¬†Maybe one day, I’ll see you again at a friend’s wedding or if even longer down the road, a funeral.

Once or twice, I’ve probably walked past your mother a couple of times and thankfully, she doesn’t glare at me like she used to. I don’t think she remembers me but that’s okay. I was probably a bad influence even though you’d probably be worse.¬†I used to question my decisions in making friends, why did I pick the ones that has to be home by 3pm? But those were good times.

So I guess that’s what it’s like to miss someone. You’ll think of the times that you’ve shared with the person, in the good or the bad, the fun and the boring ones, how our lives are so not the typical high school scenario. Your heart will yearn for the person somehow. But it pains me to not know when you’ll see each other again.

I miss you, you know I do but this is the part where I’d say, it’s time to move on and 3 years can change a lot of things and there’s no point in missing someone who doesn’t miss you at all, that treats you like dust and being non-existent, I’m done. If it means something to you, you’ll know where to find me.

Like the adult that I have to become, I would have to understand that I have to let go of somethings in life and live life as normal because clearly, I cherish this more than you do and it’s probably time to say goodbye to the good time that we have. Just so you know, there would be many more people that could take your place but not what we had and I hope that you’d actually remember something that happened between us.

Goodbye.